I wasn’t in a good place but tried to gloss over it

To mark World Cancer Day, AFC Bournemouth’s head of academy has agreed to talk publicly for the first time about the death of his daughter Nicola.

Diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour in 2001, Nicola passed away in a Birmingham hospital eight years later. She was 28.

Joe openly admits he struggled to deal with the devastation for many years, even walking out of a counselling session because he could not face speaking about her loss.

He bottled up grief, sorrow, anger, guilt and frustration and, in his own words, “lots of things were put in a pan and sometimes boiled over”.

Now, almost 12 years on, Joe is keen to share his story in an attempt to help others who may be experiencing similar difficulties coping with the loss of a loved one.

He told afcb.co.uk: “In 2001, Nicola had been to the doctors on a number of occasions complaining about headaches. I thought she just didn’t want to go to work and they told her to take paracetamol.

“By chance, during one appointment, she was assessed by a locum doctor who immediately referred her to the neurological unit at Southampton General.

“They did some tests which revealed she had a tumour on her brain. Further tests showed it was inoperable.

“For a number of years, she encountered memory issues, hormonal issues and emotional issues.

“In 2006, the family, but more importantly Nicola, made a decision to have treatment to remove the tumour to see whether it would give her some sort of quality of life.

“Throughout her treatment, I would visit her in Selly Oak Hospital. She was in and out of intensive care before eventually being admitted to a brain rehabilitation unit in Birmingham where she received 24-hour care.

“In the early hours of 20^th April 2009, I had a message from the hospital telling me I needed to get there because her condition had deteriorated. I was at her bedside when she slipped away on 21^st April.

“That’s as far as I’ve ever got talking about it.”

The second eldest of Joe’s four children, Nicola died just days before the Cherries pulled off the Greatest Escape after beating Grimsby Town 2-1 at Dean Court.

At the time, Joe was part of Eddie Howe’s backroom team and the club’s Minus 17 documentary, released on the tenth anniversary of the game, brought back the memories, good and bad.

Joe, who regularly visits Nicola’s grave in the grounds of Christchurch Priory, said: “When I watched it in the Odeon Cinema, I had no recollection of the game because of what had happened.

“It showed some of the game, the celebrations afterwards and Eddie and Jason in the changing room congratulating the players and thanking the staff. I was fortunate enough to be in that changing room.

“At the time, I was encouraged by family and friends to attend the game. Looking back, it was a strange decision given it was so close to Nicola’s passing.

“The screening gave me a shock and time to reflect. It made me realise the place I was in at the time and it wasn’t a very good place.

“I remember once the celebrations had finished, I went on to the concourse and broke down. I remember thinking “should I have come back?”

Joe left the club in 2011 before Eddie Howe brought him back two years later following his return from Burnley.

“I left a job I loved but was finding it very difficult to operate,” he said. “There were times when I came across badly with people. I didn’t like being challenged. I wasn’t in a good place but tried to gloss over it.

“I went to work for the Premier League and was delighted when Eddie asked me back. I had a plan to build up the academy, I had a lot of distractions but still had these demons in place.

“It was like I had a metal shutter. I could express things but things weren’t allowed to go in. I had this resistance because I could never talk about Nicola’s journey.

“In 2017, it got to the stage where I felt I wasn’t doing my job properly. I think I’m quite proud and always want to do something to completion. I couldn’t function properly and was angry and frustrated about trivial things.

“I met our chief executive Neill Blake and tried to explain that I didn’t feel I was doing my job to the best of my ability because I just couldn’t deal with Nicola’s passing. He was very supportive.

“I then sent Eddie a message because I wanted to speak to him about my decision. I met him at the ground and we started talking about Nicola. I broke down again and he could see there was an issue.

“A couple of weeks before I was due to leave, I received a phone call asking me to come in. I was asked to reconsider. I was taken aback and asked for a bit of time. I said I needed an opportunity to seek help and had a course of counselling.

“It was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I stuck with it and it changed my whole outlook on the situation. 

“I also watched documentaries about the princes talking about the loss of Diana and Rio Ferdinand talking about the loss of his wife. That gave me the inspiration. If they could do that on the public stage, why was I ruining not just my life but other people’s as well?

“Without the support of my wife Dawn, I would have been in a much darker place. She was with me when Nicola passed away and deserves a medal for how she has helped me through.

“It was something I could never have a conversation about because I could never navigate beyond a certain point due to the events.

“I’ve got a saying now – if I reach the end, I have a new beginning. From a mental point of view, I’m in a good place and it allows me to move forward.

“When Dawn and me were married, we didn’t ask for presents, we asked for donations to the Bournemouth Youth Cancer Trust. I wish I’d known there were organisations like this when Nicola was alive because they could have helped us. That’s where the guilt comes in.

“I’m in a hugely better place now because not talking about it was clearly affecting my relationships with people.

“The biggest message I can give is explore opportunities and talk. If I had done that sooner, I might have reached my better place a lot quicker than I did.”

This article first appeared on the club website to mark World Cancer Day in 2021.